I Gave Birth During a Pandemic

If 2020 could be summed up into one word so far that word would be: disaster.

Australian wildfires, Kobe and eight others (including his daughter) died in a helicopter crash, police brutality, riots, injustices … Finally, the sudden effects of the COVID-19 virus.

The situation surrounding the coronavirus went from almost laughable, or so we thought, to very serious in a matter of days. I slowly started to panic once our “stay-at-home” order went into full effect on or around March 17th.

-Restaurants closed their dining rooms.
-Movie theatres closed.
-Malls closed.
-Playgrounds closed.
-Most heartbreaking … public Masses were cancelled.

Quarantine wasn’t ALL bad. Like many families, we enjoyed our nightly walks, the friendship between the boys blossomed, and I was appreciative that Tim was now working from home and not traveling. Yet here I was, at 30 weeks pregnant, set to give birth in almost 10 weeks and living amidst a world wide pandemic from a virus that there was little information on. The news filled my heart with fear for my loved ones and ultimately for my unborn baby, especially considering my previous experience with having a child stay in the NICU. My anxiety flew through the roof so much that during a few of my telehealth appointments (I couldn’t go into the clinic from week 30 to 36), my doctor discussed putting me back on my anti-anxiety medicine to try to help alleviate some of the unnecessary stress. It didn’t help that I oversaturated myself with research and news articles on what changes were happening on labor and delivery floors. Some of the changes included:

– no visitors at the hospital (I wouldn’t be able to see my boys until after we were discharged from the hospital)
– 1 support person allowed but unable to leave the hospital (or risk being unable to return)
– if support person shows ANY sickness symptoms they will not be able to be there during labor and delivery
– if mom tests positive for COVID, the CDC recommended separation between mom and baby.

Giving birth is always a bit scary. You can’t anticipate how it will go and you pray for the health of your baby … Now throw a global pandemic in there and the fears are too numerous to count. I wasn’t doubtful that God was going to create something beautiful out of this experience but that didn’t take away the fear or anxiety I had. There were some people who would tell me, “it will all be fine” or “it will all be beautiful in it’s own simple way”. Their intention was good in that they were trying to make me feel better but those words made me feel glossed over and as if they were trying to help me just ‘get over it’ instead of truly empathizing with what I was going through.

I didn’t need someone to just tell me it was going to be fine. I needed to feel affirmed that although this was all tremendously scary and I was justified in feeling the way I did, I was strong enough. I needed to feel heard and seen in my feelings.

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Despite our many walks, all the red raspberry leaf tea, squats, and even losing bits of my mucus plug (which usually sends me into labor almost immediately), it was looking like I was going to go passed my due date. With all the discomforts and anxieties from quarantine weighing on me, I was ready to schedule an induction and the date landed on June 2nd.

Father Michael giving us a blessing at 39 weeks. We were so grateful to be able to receive the Eucharist again after 2 months of being unable to with quarantine + social distancing measures.

Tuesday morning, June 2nd, arrived and we were set to head to the hospital at 7:30 for the induction. Everything was ready, including a negative result for COVID which was a big sigh of relief. Once my parents got to our house to pick up the boys, we said emotional ‘goodbyes’ and took one final picture as a family of four.

Walking into the hospital for the induction felt very surreal. I had a lot of work and pain ahead of me in order to hold my sweet baby in my arms and it was daunting that I wasn’t feeling many labor symptoms. Plus, since my body doesn’t seem to respond well to the epidural, I had the added task of trying to accomplish an unmedicated birth. With our masks on (we were supposed to wear them whenever a doctor or nurse was in the room – even during push time), we got all checked in with our nurse, Rene, and I slowly began my pitocin drip.

Shortly after my pitocin started, Tim told me to look out the window. Much to my surprise I see my whole family, including all of my sister’s little ones and my boys. They were camped out in a patch of grass near the back parking lot of the hospital and holding signs all in support of me and my little baby.

I began to sob.

They knew my fears. They knew my anxiety. They knew how hard this had been. And here they were… They were a tangible sign that not matter what, I wasn’t abandoned. I was loved, sought after, and kept safe by a God who is much bigger than COVID. Y’all, my family is simply the best.

Back in our hospital room, the pitocin drip was slowly increasing as the hours passed by and by 12:00 the contractions were intensifying. I thought to myself, “next cervical check I bet I will have progressed quite a bit from the 1 cm I was this morning.” My doc came in to check me at 1:15 and break my water.

2 cm 80% effaced.

I was SO discouraged. ONLY 2 CM?

Not to mention that cervical check was the most painful one out of my 3 labors because trying to break a woman’s bag of water when she’s only 2 cm – YIKES – it did not feel pleasant.

After my water broke, my nurse told me that she wouldn’t check me again until 4:30 so I spent an hour listening to music, bouncing on my ball, and rocking back and forth on my hands and knees. By 2:30 I was ready to go into the tub, which was my favorite method of pain relief with both of the boys. Tim put on my birth playlist, my nurse grabbed some electric candles, and I sat in the tub for a solid hour. By the end of the hour in the tub my “low moans” had started and I was doing my best to keep my face and jaw relaxed. Unfortunately I wasn’t getting much of a break from the intense contractions and had started to get the shakes. My nurse told me not to ‘fight the shakes’ and they would be much more bearable which was great advice. At this point it was about 3:30 and I knew I needed to change positions so I got out of the tub and stood with Tim as he helped support me through some intense contractions. My body was exhausted and all I wanted to do was sleep so I foolishly thought I would try laying down on the bed … This was a TERRIBLE DECISION. The pain from the contractions as I was laying down were unbearable and after one contraction passed while I was in that position I looked at Tim and told him in a panic,”I cant do this anymore.” this wasn’t just a distressed statement. This was a full blown panic attack. Tim rubbed my back and tried his best to calm my nerves while my nurse reassured me that I could do it, deep breaths, and I didn’t have to be scared because my body was doing exactly what it should.

My nurse, having been doing this for over 20 years, knew what my panic attack meant… I was transitioning. She decided to check me at 4:00 and we were shocked to find out I was at 8/9 cm dilated. Immediately after the cervical check, during my next contraction I had the sudden and intense urge to push. After that contraction was done I returned to the one position I felt most comfortable in and I flipped onto my knees and rocked my hips. I could feel another contraction coming and that intense pressure to push… There was no way I could have stopped my body from pushing and as the contraction went away I could hear my nurse say, “baby is SO LOW.” My nurse didn’t want me to know that my baby was actually CROWNING without the Doctor in the room. Once my doc finally got there it only took one more push and my baby’s head was out! Another two pushes and my baby was completely out!

THE RELIEF.

I moved to the end of the bed and sobbed as I held my beautiful baby GIRL in my arms. I remember repeating over and over, “we did it baby girl! We did it. Thank you Jesus. Thank you Jesus.” One of my favorite moments following the birth of our children is looking at Tim. Seeing the love he has for his child but also feeling the pride he has in me. I fall in love in a more deeply and profound way with Tim each time I am able to experience the intimacy of child birth with him. We cried and smiled together as we blissfully looked at the child who we co-created with Our Creator.

Josephine Grace Medearis

Born at 4:13 pm

8 lbs. 3 oz.

19.75 inches

After she was born we did a ZOOM call with the whole family to reveal the gender since that had remained a secret the whole pregnancy.

But if I’m honest….

I still desperately missed introducing my baby to my family in person. I managed to keep the tears in check for most of the ZOOM call but as I looked at my sister’s, my Dad, and ultimately my Mom on a small phone screen…  I broke down. I just wanted to feel the hugs from my family and look my mom in the eye and reassure her , “I’m ok”. I know how worried she gets for my sisters and I when we have babies.

As I reflect on my entire pregnancy with Josie from the shock of finding out I was pregnant at 8 months postpartum, to experiencing the rest of my pregnancy in quarantine amidst a global pandemic… I can see how Jesus was walking with me through it all and how He was allowing me, through this pregnancy and birth, to walk a small portion of His passion with Him.

“I walked with Him through the last week’s of my pregnancy in the garden of Gethsemene. Alone and afraid.

I walked with him in His suffering as I took up my small cross when labor began.

I shared a small splinter of His crucifixion as the pain peaked and I felt the urge to push.

Finally, I shared in the joy of the resurrection as I held my sweet baby on my chest.”

(words inspired by Emily from Apostolate of Holy Motherhood)

I had a baby during a pandemic.

It was no where near easy but every ounce of it has been worth it. I would do it all again – the suffering and pain – if it meant I would hold this sweet baby in my arms. Our world needs to know that despite it’s brokenness and darkness, beautiful new little ones are being born every day. This is HOPE.

We all need a little hope nowadays, don’t we?

I know that my sweet beautiful baby Josephine, my quarantine and COVID-19 baby, will do tremendous things because she’s already brought so much healing to this Mama’s heart.

(photo taken by: Vilona Photography)

“You’ve owned your fear and all your self-loathing,
You’ve owned the voices inside of your head,
You’ve owned the shame and reproach of your failure,
It’s time to own your belovedness.

You’ve owned your past and how it’s defined you.
You’ve owned everything everybody else says, it’s time to hear what your Father has spoken.
It’s time to own your belovedness.

He says, you’re mine, I smiled when I made you,
I find you beautiful in every way,
My love for you is fierce and unending
I’ll come to find you, whatever it takes
My beloved.

You’ve owned the mess you see in the mirror,
You’ve owned the lies that you’re just not enough,
You’ve been so blinded by all you’re comparing,
It’s time to own your belovedness.

He says, you’re mine, I smiled when I made you,
I find you beautiful in every way
My love for you is fierce and unending
I’ll come to find you, whatever it takes
My beloved.”

Belovedness: written and performed by Sarah Kroger

Saint Josephine Bakhita, pray for us.

Sweet Surrender | Birth of Nolan Carlos

5 months ago (cue every surprise and shock emoji here) I gave birth to a sweet sweet boy, Nolan Carlos. After months of transitioning and fighting through writers block, I have finally written his birth story down. 

The months leading up to my due date with my second baby were a bit chaotic. We had Christmas, a wedding in the family, and New Years all before baby time. I was getting both physically and emotionally exhausted. Physically, for obvious reasons. Emotionally exhausted because I knew that our little world was going to change so much and change is always scary– and if I’m honest? I was slowly get more and more scared to give birth a second time. For those that don’t know, I had what would best be described as a semi-traumatic birth with my oldest son, Theo. I pushed for about 3 and 1/2 hours and suffered a postpartum hemorrhage immediately after giving birth.  All of this to say- giving birth again scared me because I was well aware of what COULD go wrong. 

As the weeks got closer I began visualizing what I wanted for the birth of this baby. I wanted to labor at home for a while, comfortably, while listening to my birth playlist and diffusing my essential oils. We would go to the hospital when I was pretty well dilated and I would be laboring there for a shorter amount of time. This plan changed once I had my 33 week growth scan. See, my husband and I have relatively good sized babies. Our first was 8 lbs. 11 oz. and our second was showing signs of being another good size. Due to that, my Doctor decided I might have the best chance to avoid a C-section if we induce a week early and I was completely on-board! I didn’t have to have a C-section the first time (luckily) but if I were to go over my due date this time — the risk would be much higher.

I was at peace.

Sure, my initial birth “plan” would change but my hope was still to push this baby out myself.

By 36 weeks we had scheduled the induction and our new plan was set in motion! During this time my sciatica nerve pain was getting really intense and I had been going through prodromal labor. I felt ready … physically.

It was the mental that I wasn’t quite ready for.

My family & friends showered me with prayers at a Catholic Blessingway while I was a little over 37 weeks (check out Geena Harrington’s blog post on blessing ways here). It was on this night that I could finally speak the words I was too proud to say… “I am scared.”

I cried as my loved ones encouraged me, hugged me and wrote uplifting words to help support and guide me through labor. Through prayer I could acknowledge my fear – and yet not be trapped by it.

Jesus was simply telling me to surrender all to Him.

January 9th approx. 2:30 AM (37 wks 4 days)

I woke up to the groans of my toddler and noticed some slight cramping. After rocking Theo back to sleep I quickly went to the bathroom because, well, I figured that I should just go now that way I won’t have to get up later. It was then I noticed a piece of my mucus plug. My heart began to race. When I was pregnant with Theo and I lost my mucus plug – almost immediately I went into labor. I pushed away any thoughts that labor was coming and went back to bed.

At 6:30 I woke up to contractions. They were about 15 to 20 minutes apart but noticeably more painful than average Braxton Hicks. Again, I pushed away any temptation of thinking I was in labor and assured Tim that it would be fine if he went to work. It was only an hour later that I called my Mom to ask if she would come to my 37 week appointment with me and that some interesting things were occurring. We spent our time before the appointment walking around Target and gathering last minute baby items. Contractions were about 10 minutes apart but I was still convinced that it was nothing and they would stop soon.

As my appointment got closer I finally decided to call Tim and tell him to come home. There were enough contractions for me to assume that active labor would be coming soon.

12:00PM 3cm 80% effaced

Shortly after my appointment, I came home to my sisters Dana (+ her boys) and Jenna.  We laughed, ate lunch and watched one of my favorite shows, ‘The Office’, to get my mind off of the intensity of my contractions. The best distraction though? My sweet nephews. Their joy and playfulness filled our home and Theo was on cloud nine getting to run around with his favorite buddies.

My contractions were increasing in intensity but still seemed pretty sporadic. They ranged from being 30 seconds long every 2 minutes to a minute and a half long every 8 or so minutes. Movement helped remedy the pain of the contractions and so I kept walking, bouncing and swaying. Tim rubbed my low back each time I got a contraction and let me tell you– that.was.amazing. By 5 PM I was thoroughly convinced that we should be going to the hospital but there’s was one thing I wasn’t quite ready for…. to say goodbye to my oldest guy.

Change is both scary and beautiful.  Saying goodbye to Theo before leaving reminded me of that. We were excited for this new little person to enter our family but we were saying goodbye to our normal. I gave my little boy a big hug with tears streaming down my face… looking to my Mom I found comfort that all will be even BETTER than I can imagine.

We were immediately admitted.

After a failed dose of nitrous oxide and hours of intense contractions I was ready to have the one thing I really wanted to avoid- the epidural. See, I am not one of those ladies who wants to avoid an epidural because I am afraid of needles or even because I want everything “all natural” … I wanted to avoid it because I didn’t have a great experience with the epidural when I was in labor with Theo. It slowed my labor down and I felt pretty sick when I got it.

Nevertheless, I was ready to feel some relief and I opted for getting an epidural at 8 centimeters dilated. Once the epidural went in I felt intense relief but it didn’t take long for the numbness to spread everywhere even to my throat. My sister could see my panic and she ran to go get my nurse who was immediately worried that I got a spinal (which would numb me all over) instead of an epidural. The anesthesiologist came in and said that more than likely I had a half spinal / half epidural and he would try to lower my dosage of the medicine. Only about 30 minutes after getting the epidural i started to get the shakes REAL BAD. I thought it was a side effect from the epidural but my nurse knew better! She checked me and sure enough I was complete! 100% effaced and 10 centimeters dilated. What should’ve been push time had to be delayed because I couldn’t feel a n y t h i n g south of the border (darn you half spinal / half epidural!!). My nurse turned off the epidural and we patiently waited until some feeling came back not only to my legs but my arms and throat as well (DARN YOU EPIDURAL). 

By 10:30 I was feeling much more like myself, baby was very low, and we were ready to push!

My sister, Dana, on one side of me. Timmy on the other. I was ready to meet my baby! (Gender still unknown at the time)

Timmy counted, Dana encouraged and Dr. Finnegan coached. I had literally the BEST birth team around! It made a world of difference.

10:42 PM on January 9th, 2019: Nolan Carlos Medearis was born.

What followed his birth were the sweetest moments.

There is nothing like seeing your child’s face for the first time. I know I am extremely biased but my Nolan was… perfect. Absolutely perfect.

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“This is my body given up for you…”

Christ’s words that are given to us at each and every Mass echoed through my heart during my pregnancy and most especially during labor and delivery.  This body… has seen better days. It’s stretched, loose and wholly imperfect but I am so incredibly proud of it. Enduring through immense pain for the sake of my children has been the greatest honor of my whole life. I had to remind myself through the intensity of a contraction that I was MADE FOR THIS. 

Some days its not easy looking at the imperfections sketched on my body. But most days I try to look at those imperfections with affection because they tell a story. Each mark was made as my boys were growing inside me. Maybe I got one of my stretch marks when Theo was rolling and punching around. Maybe one of the marks was from Nolan stretching his tiny body inside me for the first time. 

All of those imperfect marks tell me a story and its the most beautiful one of all. It is the story of L I F E. 

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Sweet surrender. 

What a sweet sweet cross we Mothers have to bear. 

In giving birth to our children and all of the parenting that follows. 

Is it a cross? 

Yes. 

But… It is one filled with tight hugs, bellowing laughter, snotty kisses and joyous moments. 

The word that I prayed for during my labor with Nolan was … surrender. 

“Here I am
Down on my knees again
Surrendering all
Surrendering all.

 

Find me here
Lord as You draw me near
Desperate for You …
I’m desperate for You.

 

I surrender.

……

 

Like a rushing wind
Jesus breathe within.
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me.

 

Like a mighty storm
Stir within my soul.
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me.

 

Like a rushing wind
Jesus breathe within.
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me.

 

….

I surrender.
I surrender.
I wanna know You more.
I wanna know You more.”

 

-I Surrender by Hillsong United

This song was the perfect anthem for Nolan’s birth and its words continue to strike my heart. 

I hope maybe this can encourage you, wherever you are at, to surrender to whatever cross Jesus is asking you to bear. Maybe – just maybe- it might be the sweetest cross of all. 

All photos were taken by: Dana Sebastian

Guess who’s back?

Hello! Let me reintroduce myself because it seems that I have been gone so long from the blogging world that I am sure some people forgot who I am (insert hand to the face emoji).

My name is Kileen Medearis.

Catholic.

Wife.

Stay-at-home Mama to now TWO boys! (Can’t wait to write about this!)

Book Enthusiast.

and now… PODCASTER! (Cant wait to write about this either!)

You are probably asking yourself…. why the long leave of absence?

I can’t tell you how many times I had started writing a post but didn’t finish. Whether that be because my toddler woke up early from his nap, or the first trimester sickness kept me tied to the couch, or simply because I felt at a loss for words.

If I am honest with myself? It all stems from this immense dry season I had in my prayer life. If you are like me, it’s hard to find inspiration to write when you have cut off communication with the relationship that literally I N S P I R E S you. After a wake up call in the adoration chapel where through half closed eyelids (my husband chose the 9 pm adoration hour, needless to say, I am normally in bed) I confessed to Our Lord that now it felt like I was … bad at praying. Even in my busiest times in college I don’t think I have ever been this complacent when it comes to my prayer life.

What I have realized since that simple confession is that I have been staying in the same place with prayer and the enemy has been completely content, dare I say happy, about this. I gave into all sorts of ways to skip my prayer time and chose to sink into my own comfort.

Friends in Christ, the enemy wants us to stay put where we are. The enemy wants us to choose ourselves, day in and day out. The enemy wants us to put prayer on the back burner.

Last weeks revelation in the adoration chapel didn’t cure everything but definitely put everything into perspective for me. It was the jolt I needed to choose Christ more, especially in my prayer, each day.

It feels good to be back.

Praise be Jesus Christ, now and forever!

[Photo credit: Vilona Photography]

Breastfeeding: How I Came to Love One of My Greatest Struggles in Motherhood

Breastfeeding.

Just the word can strike emotion into the hearts of new and veteran Mamas. For some? It was easy from the get go. For others? The struggle was R E A L.

I would like to start by making a disclaimer:

 A fed baby is BEST.

I don’t want to write this post as an argument that a Mother can only nurse her child. The reality is that many mothers, for a variety of reasons, are unable to nurse their children. THIS IS TOTALLY FINE! A fed baby is best!

What I would like to do in this post is give helpful tips and tricks which allowed me to nurse my baby one year and beyond and reflect on my experience as a whole!

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You might be asking yourself, “Ok- so which Mama are you? The one that it came easy? Or the one who struggled?”

Oh, I struggled.

Then it got easy.

Then I struggled some more.

The reality for nursing Mamas (at least in my case) is that the breastfeeding journey can be like a rollercoaster. I struggled from the very beginning primarily due to the “trauma” I went through while giving birth to Theo. For those who are new to my blog or are interested in reading Theo’s birth story, click here.

Shortly after Theo was born I overheard the nurses say to me about three or four times, “you’ll need to feed him in 5 minutes or his blood sugar will go down..” While I am sitting there thinking … OK … well does anyone want to show me how to do that?

I actually didn’t learn to breastfeed until my older sister came into visit me and was able to show me some of the ropes. Crazy, right?

I had a VERY sleepy baby, trouble latching, and was overall fatigued from delivery. These components were the perfect recipe for  having a baby struggle to get back to birth weight. At the end of my hospital visit, I was informed that my baby had lost 6% of his birth weight and they would be putting him (and me) on a three step program which included pumping and using donated breastmilk.

My milk came in the day I left the hospital… so let’s just add engorgement onto the list of struggles.

I was so discouraged.

It wasn’t until I was feeding Theo every 2 hours during the day (waking him up if he was asleep) and every 4 at night (again, waking an angelic SLEEPING baby) that he was finally able to get back to birth weight and the stress of his weight loss could be off my shoulders.

By 4 months I was enjoying breastfeeding and the bond I was able to form with my baby. It became second nature…. 1. cover on 2. unstrap bra  3. Latch baby boy! Unfortunately intermittently I was plagued with horrible clogged ducts that made the breastfeeding journey feel like a very real rollercoaster.

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Here are my top four tips & tricks for being able to nurse my baby successfully for 14 months:

Probiotic: Near the beginning, I was desperate to find something to help with the gas bubbles and frequent spit ups that Theo was having after feedings. A friend of mine suggested a probiotic and although it was pretty pricey (eeek), it was completely worth it! Gas can be a struggle for the nursing Mama because the little baby may have problems latching due to how bad the gas is or it can even throw their appetite off in general. I put a few drops on my breast before nursing Theo and he was able to consume all the wonderful benefits of a probiotic. (Also, my first pediatrician told me that although breastmilk contains HUNDREDS of amazing nutrients- it doesn’t contain probiotic unless the Mom is taking a probiotic supplement.) A probiotic helps with putting GOOD bacteria in the body and helping with digestion. It CAN’T hurt!

Water: This one was a tough one for me! After pregnancy I was looking forward to the stress free living of not having to down liters of water a day but I was sadly mistaken. In order to keep up a healthy milk supply make sure that you are drinking plenty of water!

Supply & Demand: This one is BIG and incredibly hard to control! There were months were my supply would go down because Theo wasn’t nursing as much but whenever new teeth were popping through my supply shot through the roof because Theo was nursing all.the.time. If you are trying to build supply- try getting your little one to nurse more. If you are trying to decrease supply- try to supply with other food (when they are old enough) or distract them from the constant desire to nurse. This can be a bittersweet thing!

Perseverance: The final tip I have is to not grow too discouraged and PERSIST PERIST PERSIST. I can’t even tell you how many times I thought of giving up- but I knew that I had a goal I wanted to meet and I was going to show myself AND my son that I could do it! There will be ups and downs in the process but if you truly desire it- keep trying and reach out to others who have found success or lactation consultants that can help.

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(Popped a squat in Target to nurse my one year old. Gotta do what you gotta do Mamas!)

Weaning my son after 14 months was bittersweet. I operated for the duration of the time I nursed him on a “you never know when the last time will be” mentality where I tried my best to embrace every time I got to nurse Theo but – I was ready. If I really think hard about the “last time” I nursed my son… it will spiral me into a heaping amount of really ugly sobs. I am sure other Mom’s can attest to the tearful goodbyes of nursing in general or of a specific child. It comes with its roses and thorns.

My time with nursing Theo taught me: how to “roll with the punches”, sacrifice, persevere through difficulties, embrace all the moments and breathe in the littleness that babies offer.

The days are long but the years are short, my friends.

 

 

Cure for the Lazy Blogger + Major Book Goals

Hello readers!

I have realized that my blog has become an “occasional” “once a year” or “major life change happening” place of writing. I have become an exceptionally good L A Z Y blogger.

I admit it.

Well… in the spirit of living out my “word of the year”, discipline (you betcha’ I will be writing a post of how this word jumped out in prayer), I have decided to become a more faithful blog writer. My hope is to write blogs at least every couple weeks (if not weekly).

Also, I have developed a REAL big itch to read! Hence a monthly book goal has now commenced! Keep on the lookout for reviews of these wonderful books as I check them off my list…

May: One Beautiful Dream by Jennifer Fulwiler

June: My Sisters the Saints by Colleen Cambell (Ministry of Moms read!)

(maybe read Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis if possible.)

July: Praying the Rosary Like Never Before: Encounter the Wonder of Heaven and Earth by Ted Sri

August: Brideshead Revisited by Evelyn Waugh

September: Momnipotent: The Not-So-Perfect Woman’s Guide to Catholic Motherhood by Danielle Bean

October: The Domestic Church: Room by Room by Donna-Marie Cooper O’Boyle

November: North and South by Elizabeth Gaskell

December: Imitating Mary: Ten Marian Virtues for the Modern Mom by Marge Fenelon

January: The Other Side of Beauty by Leah Darrow

February: An Immovable Feast: How I Gave Up Spirituality for a Life of Religious Abundance by Tyler Blanski

March: Little Women by Louisa May Alcott (who doesn’t love reading some classics!)

April: The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis (re-read)

Along with this book “feast” I will be partaking in I will still be leaving at least 10 minutes of prayer time in sacred scripture and will attempt to have a reflection from scripture at least every couple of weeks. (My bible is the ‘Blessed is She Catholic Journaling Bible’ and its AH-MAZING- get it here.)

Updates to come!

Prayers for you all! Please keep my little family in your prayers as-well.

-KM

 

 

 

The Mommy Bod and Struggle to “Bounce Back”

“By His wounds, we are healed.”

Wounds.

I have talked about them in blogs before when I talked about my struggle with disordered eating habits. For those that may not know, for several years I struggled with sitting down and having a full meal. I forced myself to starve, thinking I was being “healthy”. Moderation is key my dear friends.

By the grace of God, through the Holy Sacraments, and due to prayers from many – I recovered. I started to think less and less of myself and the vanity that I had been plagued with and changed my habitual thinking. My primary motivation for recovery was my deep desire to have children. At the time I didn’t know that anorexia could lead to infertility.

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I remember looking in the mirror the day after I gave birth to my son.

Pale. My face swollen. My belly deflated but still looking 6 months pregnant.

I couldn’t look away fast enough.

I remember the embarrassment.

Turning away from my husband each time I got dressed. My body had completely changed. Granted, it changed when I got pregnant so I should have been used to it, right? Wrong.

For 9 months I was growing a beautiful baby boy inside. The weight gain, although scary for someone who struggled with an eating disorder, was for a purpose.

What I was unable to see in those early weeks after Theo’s birth was that my body was still beautiful.

Yes, the beauty had changed.

But it was still there.

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Now, let’s reflect on Christ’s passion and resurrection…

He suffered during His passion more than we will ever be able to comprehend. He was beaten, broken, and removed of all modesty. Yet, on that glorious Sunday He emerged stronger. He was victorious. “Oh, death, where is your sting?” [1 Corinthians 15: 55] Even though Our Lord’s resurrected body was glorified, do you want to guess at what he still possessed?

His wounds.

His perfect and beautiful body still shown the marks of his suffering and of his sacrifice. The God of the universe could have very well had his glorified body erase the markings which brought him such sorrow, but instead they stand as a visible sign of his sacrificial love.

Child birth is a beautiful and immensely difficult experience. I remember crying after each and every push for hours. I remember the feeling of thinking that I couldn’t push anymore, that I didn’t have any strength left to give. Here was my first lesson in motherhood—

There’s A L W A Y S more room to give.

God gave me the strength to push beyond what I thought was possible. Giving birth was the vessel in which God was showing me, yet again, that I am enough. He was showing me that my body, strength, and will power could be victorious in the face of suffering.

The reality? My body will never go back to the way it was before and I never W A N T it to.

The loose skin, stretch marks, wider hips are all signs that I held LIFE inside of me. Christ embraced his wounds… why shouldn’t I embrace mine?

To those Mama’s who are standing in front of the mirror and critiquing your new body- instead- I encourage you to close your eyes, open your hands, and offer a quick prayer of thanksgiving.

“For you Jesus, I thank you for this body and for my baby. Be with me when I look at my reflection and allow me to see what You see. I offer it all to You sweet Jesus.”

Today, I don’t turn away or fear looking at the reflection in the mirror. Rather, I feel empowered.

“Since love grows within you, so beauty grows. For love is the beauty of the soul.” St. Augustine

On the Night You Were Born

 

If you were to have told me a year ago that exactly one year from now I would be a Mom, writing a blog post during one of my sons many midnight feedings, I wouldn’t have believed you.

But…. here I am. Writing this blog as I nurse my son at 12:30AM.

As some of you may recall- the news that my husband and I were expecting came as quite the shock. This was due largely because we knew that this little one was a wedding night baby. If you would like to read that story- click here.

Pregnancy is nothing short of a miracle. At the very earliest stage my little Theo was the size of a poppy seed— a POPPY SEED. That amazes me when I look at his little face and all the features that make it up. He is a m i r a c l e.

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I loved being pregnant! Watching the belly grow and feeling my baby move inside of me was something that I will forever cherish and something that is indescribable. Although I loved being pregnant it didn’t mean that it was always easy. There was the lack of energy, nauseousness, and lack of mobility. Near the end of my pregnancy I was waddling so bad- I looked like a duck.

6 weeks before our due date my older sister gave birth to my little nephew, Leo. I had been through the experience before of waiting in the waiting room for my sisters to have their babies but this time felt very different. This time I was imagining myself going through the same experience so every time I saw my sister in pain I knew what was awaiting me in 6 weeks. Although watching my sister go through so much pain wasn’t fun, getting to see the end result and getting to hold my nephew and see his beautiful little face was something so incredibly amazing. I also knew THAT feeling awaited me in 6 weeks which was far more exciting than the pain.

The weeks came and went and same with our due date.

No baby yet.

This is totally normal for first time Mom’s and I was actually preparing myself throughout the entire pregnancy that I would at least be 41 weeks pregnant before I would have this baby.

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Much to my surprise only one day after our due date, I went into labor.

The pain was real but I was ready. I truly felt that the Holy Spirit was helping me fight the contractions as much as I could throughout the night and to do it with a smile. With every contraction, I offered up a prayer for a family member or friend with specific intentions. Some contractions I just stared at my flash cards with the names and intentions of those individuals and tried to think of nothing else but gratitude that I was given the opportunity to suffer for them.

Giving birth to Theo was by far the hardest thing I have ever done.

I pushed for 3 1/2 hours before I heard the cry of my sweet boy and he was placed on my chest.

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During the Mass there’s a particular part of the consecration that I have grown to appreciate more and more. The moment when the priest repeats the words of Jesus in saying, “this is my body given up for you.”

I love it even more now as I cradle my newborn son.

See, I never understood the kind of love that drew Christ to the cross – until now.

Labor and delivery was beautiful, difficult, and ultimately a little scary. After I had finally given birth to Theo, I needed only to look at my midwifes face to know that something was wrong. I was bleeding…. bad.

I had suffered not only a pretty bad tear but also what is called, “postpartum hemorrhage”. This is when a women suffers an immense amount of blood loss in labor and actually is the primary reason for maternal death (mother dying during labor) now-a-days. I didn’t know the severity of my condition until I saw the look on my family members faces when they saw me.

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As I cradle this beautiful- BEAUTIFUL- gift of God (meaning behind the name Theodore), I can’t help but think of the words the Christ says, “this is my body given up for you….”

I always knew that I would give my life for my child but never knew how much my of my body I would have to give up. From the weight gain, stretch marks, and overall occasional discomfort- my child needed every bit of me and I wouldn’t change a single thing. I would do it over and over again.

A mother’s love is unlike anything in the world and in Christ’s words I see a tiny reflection of myself. I would give my body, my everything, up for my child.

To end this post (which has taken me f o r e v e r to write due to the nature of Motherhood) I want to steal a few lines from my favorite book that I read to Theo…

“For never before in story or rhyme (not even once upon a time) has the world ever known a you, my friend, and it never will, not ever again…

Heaven blew every trumpet and played every horn on the wonderful, marvelous night you were born.” (On the Night You Were Born. Nancy Tillman)

That One Perfect Day

(photo courtesy of Joshua Paul Photography)

On June 18th, I married my favorite person. We had waited, prayed, and hoped that the day would come and when it finally did- it was completely surreal.

I remember the stress and worries about all the fine details on the night of the rehearsal but waking up on that beautiful (and HOT) Saturday morning I felt nothing but complete and total peace. I knew that God was with me, strengthening me, and about ready to change my entire life. It was so exciting!

This day- this ONE day- literally changed my entire life.

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Before I get into that, I want to talk about something that we had been preparing for throughout our entire engagement, taking classes on, and having SO many conversations about- natural family planning. 

The Catholic Church has such a beautiful reflection on sexuality, marriage, and family planning but many, who don’t know the logic behind the church’s teachings, view the church’s teaching as a strict “no you can’t do this, no you can’t do that, NO NO NO.”

It’s true that the Church is all about abstaining from sex until marriage and is it true that the Church is strictly against the use of any contraceptives. What many don’t know is that the church has those beliefs not to say “no” but to give a more profoundly beautiful “yes” to life and authentic love.

Abstinence is not designed to torment the couple but rather empty themselves in service to one another and in some way die to themselves in their sacrifice. Much like what Christ did on the cross — all for the sake of love. We want to enter into marriage knowing that our beloved will be given all  of   us, all of our brokenness and vulnerability. Also, the physical act of “consummating” ones marriage is a physical reality of what happened during the couples marriage ceremony. In the exchanging of the rings, saying of the vows, and nuptial blessing the couple becomes one. In the same way, the couple physically becomes one as a physical sign of their commitment to each other and their vows. This is A LOT to take on before you have actually committed to one another in marriage! Saving that intimacy isn’t a way of torment but rather a way to ensure the couples center on Christ, His mission, and loving the way Christ loved… which was (and still is) through sacrifice.

During our vows, Tim and I promised to uphold all of the teachings of the church, raise our family according to the church, and accept children lovingly and freely. On the day of our wedding the reality of that last phrase didn’t really hit me until later- “accept children lovingly and freely”. 

I tell all of my students whenever we talk about theology of the body and marriage that marriage has two purposes: babies and bonding. As a couple we are living out the vocation of marriage in being intimate with one another but we also are living out our vocation by being open to the will of the Father in regards to children.

Tim and I were the last of 3 other couples to get married in 5 weeks- oh man- it was a busy few weeks! We were able to witness the marriages of many close friends and obviously had the opportunity to be engaged at the same time.

While being engaged with 3 other holy and beautiful couples- it came with its challenges. Many times all of us would sit and talk about our classes, how we are preparing through prayer, and yes– natural family planning. The other couples were practicing the ‘creighton’ family planning method while Tim and I were practicing the ‘sympto-thermal’ method. This brought up some really fruitful and interesting discussions.

All four couples, including us, had planned on waiting at least a year or two before starting our families. You know that thing about what God does when you make plans? Yep, He laughs.

The church, in her wisdom, gives us natural (and contraceptive free) methods to plan our family along with prayer and discernment from Our Lord. Natural family planning is very effective when used correctly and also allows for God’s will. God’s will can be for the couple to have a child unexpectedly or for the couple to wait, in joyful anticipation, for their family to grow. Natural family planning is all about teaching love and responsibility. 

Unfortunately, I felt that many discussions I had with other Catholic couples about the upcoming wedding day and plans for a family seemed to center on fear of pregnancy. All the women were charting and plotting when the potential ovulation date would be in relation to wedding dates. Many panicking at the thought of ovulating over the their wedding weekend. What I didn’t like about those conversations was the impression that the potential of a positive pregnancy test a few weeks later would be the ‘worst case scenario’. Are we even aware of how many women who would LOVE to be pregnant right now but maybe are not? Or those who continue to try and PRAY for that positive test?

As the weddings got closer, some women found out that they would in fact be ovulating either ON or close to their wedding date. Obviously this may present a challenge if you would like to both wait on starting your family AND consummate your marriage.

I was one of those women.

Many of us discussed and even prayerfully concerned what we would do- would we abstain on our wedding night to avoid pregnancy? Or would we consummate our marriage and “risk it”?

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On June 18th, I have never felt the grace of God more in my entire life.

Our photographer and friend, Josh, had told us before the wedding that we should pray for all the graces of the sacrament on that day and that if we did that we would truly be able to FEEL them. Boy oh boy was he right…

(photo courtesy of Joshua Paul Photography)

We could feel our Lord’s presence as we said “yes” to the many challenges, joys, and sufferings in our life together. We understood that it wasn’t just the two of us – but as Fulton Sheen has so eloquently put, “it takes THREE to get married”. We needed Our Lord on that day and (God willing) the many after.

Marriage is about WAY more than just us. We know this now more than ever.

We were stepping into an unknown territory but one that would fulfill our greatest desires in life and push us to become the best version of ourselves.

(photo courtesy of Joshua Paul Photography)

True freedom relies in complete and utter trust in God’s will for your life. It is allowing God to be the writer of your story, and you the pen. True freedom lies in saying “yes” to Our Lord… together… and continuing to trust in His goodness.

On June 30th Tim and I, while on our honeymoon in Costa Rica, found out that we were expecting our first little one. I have never been filled with more fear or excitement.

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On our wedding day we said “yes” to God’s plan for our lives and he provided us with the greatest gift we could ever receive — our first little baby.

My mother-in-law had a beautiful reflection on this gift by explaining that, “The greatest grace that a married couple can receive is the gift of a child. Therefore, the graces must truly have been flowing through your wedding to give you this tremendous gift.”

I have reflected on that statement so much in the past four months. Despite the fear, anxiety, and worry about our little one coming a little earlier than expected and having had only 12 solid hours of just Tim and I in our marriage- what an irreplaceable gift we have been given. Our baby is not ‘worst case scenario’ but rather ‘best case scenario’. After returning to the United States and telling our family, I was struck by an image I received while praying the rosary.

The image was of the visitation between Mary and Elizabeth but instead of Elizabeth being there- I was standing in front of Mary. She looked at me with such joy and just laid her hand on top of my stomach right where my womb is, smiling and giving me the reassurance that she was with me. I stood in front of her smiling and placing my hand over her womb, in total adoration of Jesus within her.

She rejoiced as I was rejoicing in the gift of life. 

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As I sit here today, tremendously grateful for this tiny life, I reflect on the words that were sung as I walked down the aisle to Tim on our wedding day….

“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander. Let my faith be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.”

(photo courtesy of Dana Sebastian)

Little one, you are loved more than you will ever know. We are grateful for you and the gift of realizing that our marriage is about way more than just us. 

I thought nothing would compare to seeing your Dad as I was walking down the aisle…. I was wrong. 

Seeing you for the first time on a big screen forever changed me. 

 

 

Finding Joy in the Unordinary Life of the First Year Teacher

I am a first year teacher.

I have tried to write this post 7 times. Each time I have tried to sit down and write, I find something that stops me. Some of those reasons could be; copies that need to be made, student conferences or issues, meetings, lesson planning, or grading- to name a few.

My life is consumed with early mornings finalizing lesson plans, constant questions, little answers, and 45 young eyes that watch my every move…. every single day.

I can’t seem to find the words that can perfectly explain what my life has been like for the last 3 months and how drastically it has changed, the only thing that I can think of is a phrase that is taken directly from the catechism…. “Jesus Christ makes man fully alive“. 

I have repeated this phrase many times when asked how my first few months of full time teaching has gone… “I have never felt more exhausted…or fully alive.” 

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These last few months have been ones of tremendous change in my life… I moved out of my childhood home, started my career, got engaged (thank you, Jesus!), and am living by myself in Denver. There is so much I have to be thankful for…. However, I have never felt under so much spiritual attack.

Everyday there are 45 kids that come through my classroom who become my responsibility. They rely on me to teach them skills in writing and reading which can help them further their education. Yet, the most daunting task that I have felt is the responsibility of caring for the souls of my 45 students.

The battle has already begun for my students young souls and, in conjunction with the holy spirit, I am charged with the task of helping fill their souls with tools to help in their relationship with Our Lord and the bridegroom, the Church. I have never been so intimated before and on more than one occasion have cried thinking about how inept I feel to lead these young ones.

I am no Saint.

Saint’s are the ones who are supposed to do this, right? The “holy” ones are those who are meant to lead the young and nurture their souls to find Christ. Well, that’s not me… at least not yet.

I know full well what these students are going to face if they choose to follow Christ when they leave our tiny community.

How can I protect them when I myself am still trying to figure out this whole prayer thing?

They are going to face the enemy head on. The world outside the walls of our school and church are a playground for the enemy and it prowls, lurking behind every “pleasure” in the world, and seeking to break the strong.

Well, what I have learned in the past few months is that we are not living out our Christian faith if we don’t offer up every moment, little or big, in witness to Mary’s words at the time of the Annunciation and say “be it done unto me according to Thy word.”

It’s in our little “fiats” that we are truly becoming saints. It is in the everyday and mundane walks of life where we answer ‘yes’ to Christ’s call to us, that we are becoming not just who we are meant to be- but we are becoming fully alive in Christ Jesus.

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I have never felt more fully alive than when I am with my students and encountering Christ alongside them. They are showing me Christ’s love in a real and profound way.

My students are teaching me the reality of Sainthood. I may not be totally enough for my them on my own, but I have help. The God that I fell so in love with is there with me each and every single day as I enter my school, as I collaborate with co-teachers, as I pray with my students, and as I fight for their souls. I am not alone.

1 Peter 4:10 “As each one has received a gift, use it to serve one another as good stewards of God’s varied grace.”  

Please pray for me.

 

 

True Love | Mama Edition

As I am doing the consecration to Jesus through Mary I have been growing in my love and curiosity of Mary, Our Mother. In height of that I decided I would like to write a little bit about my own Mama, JoAnn Willis.
In case you all don’t know her…. she’s the bomb.

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My Mama has been such a vital role model in my life. She has been with me through it all… I mean IT ALL.
She was there when I lost my first tooth.
She was there when I went through my very first break up.
She was there and continued to call me beautiful even though I was in middle school. And awkward.
She was there when I struggled with friends in middle school.
She was there in high school when I was going through the “difficult teen” stage.
She was there when I went on my first date… and hated it.
She was there to take me out of school to go see a movie… all while telling the school I had a dentist appointment.
She was there when I got my drivers license and drove away for the first time by myself.
She was there during every track meet- no matter the weather.
She was there when I walked on the stage to receive my diploma and graduate high school.
She was there when I packed my bags to head off to college.
She was there when I came home all giddy about a boy named Tim.

She was there when I walked across the stage to receive my college diploma from Colorado State University.

Finally, she was there when the love of my life got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.

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You know what? As I have grown up I have realized more and more that I am becoming more like her and wanting to become more like her.Growing up whenever I was with my Mom there would be strangers and family alike who would say, “oh you look exactly your mom”. As I have gotten older the more I realize all that my Mom really does for our family and because of that the more this compliment means to me.
You talk to anyone who knows her they will say that she throws the best parties around, has a deep love for her children and grandchildren, can survive on virtually no sleep, and has a laugh that will make anyone in a room laugh with her. What they don’t know, and what I sometimes forget, is how much she truly gives. My mom’s day does not revolve around herself but rather those around her because she makes sure that they can live with ease and comfort.
I know that each time she see’s us cry, she can see the little girl who just wanted to be picked up and cuddled by her Mom.

More than anything my Mom has taught me to love completely and expect nothing in return. She does this in her faith as she learns to love Christ more even in the midst of tragedy and heart ache. But the most selfless act that my Mom has ever done is when she gave Our Lord her children.
She told us that she realized that we were God’s… Our lives would be used for His glory…
What beauty is that? The true gift of self because my Mom went through pain and discomfort to bring me into this world in order to realize that we weren’t hers to keep… but God’s to use.

Do me a favor.

Hug your Mom. Tight.

If your earthly Mother is no longer with us or she struggles in her role with Motherhood, look to Our Mother in Heaven. She is the model for our Mothers here on earth and begin your relationship with her. She will intercede for you to Christ- and there’s not much Jesus will deny His Mother.

Gotta give some love to our Heavenly Mama: